England to raise military 'alert status'

Chat about anything non surfing related.

England to raise military 'alert status'

Postby Stone Fox » Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:32 pm

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent terrorist threats and have raised their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not
been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of London in
1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender"
and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralysing the country's military
capability.

It's not only the English and French who are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual, and the only threat they are worried about is
NATO pulling out of Brussels

The Spanish are tremendously excited to see their new
submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully
designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish
navy.
User avatar
Stone Fox
Big Wave Master
 
Posts: 1576
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Ascot, deaming of a wide blue ocean.

Postby Broosta » Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:53 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Broosta
SW Pro
 
Posts: 1028
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2004 8:26 pm
Location: East coast uk

Postby keef » Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:54 pm

Kewl
keef
Local Hero
 
Posts: 199
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Sun Mar 11, 2007 4:55 pm
Location: home for a while, enjoying a rest..........

Postby Otter » Thu Jun 21, 2007 1:53 am

After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack
June 18, 2007 | Issue 43•25



Sponsored by
SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Five years after settling in southern California and trying to blend into American society, a six-man terrorist cell connected to the militant Islamist organization Army of Martyrs has reportedly grown too complacent to conduct its suicide mission, an attack on the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station.

Enlarge Image
Three of the six terrorists spend an afternoon together watching an America's Next Top Model marathon.
According to cell leader and boat owner Jameel al-Sharif, the potentially devastating operation, which involves breaching the station's reactor core and triggering a meltdown that could rival the Chernobyl disaster, "can wait."

"We remain wholly committed to the destruction of America, the Great Satan," al-Sharif said. "But now is not a good time for us. The season finale of Lost was such a cliff- hanger that we have to at least catch the first episode of the new season. After that, though, death to the infidels."

"Probably," added al-Sharif, who noted that his nearly $6,000 in credit-card debt from recent purchases of a 52-inch HDTV and a backyard gas grill prevents him from buying needed materials for the attack.

Though the members of the cell said that they "live only to spill the blood of crusaders who oppress Muslims," they cited additional reasons for the delay, including an unexpired free Netflix trial and nagging lower-back pain.

"I think I'm entitled to a little time to fully enjoy the in-dash MP3 adapter and heads-up display that Allah, in His infinite wisdom, has seen fit to provide me with," munitions expert Mohammed Akram said of the 2006 Mercury Mariner that is intended to be used as a car bomb during the attack. "Also, I have nine months left on the lease. But after that, I am more than willing to load it with explosives and go to my glory in its all-leather interior and heated seats."

Cell member Sayyid al-Tantawi, a Cairo-born former physics professor who was able to obtain employment at San Onofre as a reactor technician, once routinely worked 18-hour days so he could secretly obtain security codes and detailed schematics of the facility. But since his promotion to senior project manager last November, al-Tantawi has grown accustomed to perks such as higher pay, mandatory vacation time, delegation of responsibilities, and long lunches with other managers.

"Don't get me wrong, I totally wish swift and painful death to all American pigs, especially that jerk [general manager] Dave [Landis]," al-Tantawi said. "But I'm no longer the new guy—why bust my ass all day long anymore? When I get home after a day at work, I don't savor staying up all night designing dirty-bomb triggering mechanisms like I did when I first got here. Sometimes I just want to pop in a CD by that soulful infidel Chris Daughtry and relax."

Al-Tantawi added that due to the sedentary nature of his job, he would have to "lose a few pounds, Allah willing" before being able to fulfill his most challenging task: infiltrating the reactor's spent fuel storage area and draining its coolant, thereby triggering a fire and releasing radioactive material.

Indeed, general preparedness appears to be the cell's greatest stumbling block.

"Five a.m. is when the facility is most vulnerable to attack, when the morning shift security personnel replace the overnight crew," said Adib Dhakwan, the cell's second-in-command. "Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn't open until six, and I don't know about you, but if I don't have that first cup of coffee, forget it."

Despite the terrorists' successful assimilation into American society, the FBI has been monitoring the activities of the "San Clemente Six" since late 2005. According to declassified intelligence documents, the cell's status was recently downgraded to "low risk," due in part to a near absence of cell phone chatter to parties other than Moviefone, and last month's online purchase of a hammock.
User avatar
Otter
SW Pro
 
Posts: 765
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Fri May 21, 2004 2:17 am
Location: San Diego

Postby surfsc77 » Thu Jun 21, 2007 2:08 am

a fellow onion reader!
surfsc77
Local Hero
 
Posts: 207
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 6:27 pm

Postby Otter » Thu Jun 21, 2007 2:14 am

Yup, the Onion is always good for a laugh... :lol:
User avatar
Otter
SW Pro
 
Posts: 765
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Fri May 21, 2004 2:17 am
Location: San Diego

Postby greg@hoodatsurfco » Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:26 am

i love the onion.


does anyone goto www.fark.com?

oh and to the original post.. i literally laughed out loud at the italian one.
User avatar
greg@hoodatsurfco
SW Pro
 
Posts: 555
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Wed May 23, 2007 11:05 pm
Location: Northern California

Postby Stone Fox » Thu Jun 21, 2007 11:21 am

The whole thing made me laugh my arse off, but I thought the spanish one was the best.
User avatar
Stone Fox
Big Wave Master
 
Posts: 1576
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Ascot, deaming of a wide blue ocean.

Postby CheeZee » Thu Jun 21, 2007 12:01 pm

fleshing class Stone'eeee

... gotta print a copy of that ..class :lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
CheeZee
Surfing Legend
 
Posts: 3001
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2004 1:38 pm
Location: in a bigboss chair navigating www.somhydro.co.uk into the cyber market place !

Postby Sar » Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:00 pm

:lol: :lol:

Excellent :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Sar
SW Pro
 
Posts: 1019
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:10 pm

Postby essex sucks » Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:05 pm

good one mr fox i was lmfo the whole way though :D :D
User avatar
essex sucks
Surfing Legend
 
Posts: 2832
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Thu May 04, 2006 3:50 pm
Location: i am happy as can be

Postby Milo » Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:52 pm

Stone thats good, made me chuckle. You left out the USA, unable to participate as all ammo was spent in the 1st 2 mins of the 1st golf war. A U.S spoke person said, `We are actively seeking new ways to tackle terrorists, such as making collections in local bars. Worked for the IRA. :wink:
User avatar
Milo
SW Pro
 
Posts: 802
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Wed Aug 23, 2006 1:48 pm
Location: south coast UK

Postby Stone Fox » Thu Jun 21, 2007 5:13 pm

I think the USAs' four alert levels would read something like:

Find oil
Slag off the owner
invade
steal oil
User avatar
Stone Fox
Big Wave Master
 
Posts: 1576
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2006 1:12 pm
Location: Ascot, deaming of a wide blue ocean.

Postby surferdude_scarborough » Thu Jun 21, 2007 6:09 pm

awesome post sf!!!!!
User avatar
surferdude_scarborough
Big Wave Master
 
Posts: 1709
Likes: 0 post
Liked in: 0 post
Joined: Mon Dec 01, 2003 7:49 pm
Location: Leeds


Similar topics

Return to General Chat