Anyone know any jokes??

[greg@hoodatsurfco]

haahahha that penguin joke was great!

[pat42]

A Somali arrives in London as a new immigrant to Britain.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thankyou Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country,
giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Latvian."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby".Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England!"

This man says, "I not English, I Polish."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful England!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Nigeria, I am not English!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an English?"

She says, "No, I am from Bangladesh !"

Puzzled, he asks her,"Where are all the English?"

The Bangladeshi lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

[pat42]

FUNERAL PROCESSION:







A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.




A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.






Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.






Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.




The woman couldn't stand her curiosity.






She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss", I know now it is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"




"My husband's." replies the woman with the pitbull




"What happened to him?"





The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."







She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"





The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."






A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.





"Can I borrow the dog?"





"Join the line."

[CheeZee]

fleshing class Pat

and just incase anyone gets all pc about the immigration joke ...

" deal with it " !!

[pat42]

You probly know by now I'm not the most PC person on this site Cheeze




An elderly man walks into a confessional in his local church. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'mnot catholic................I'm Jewish."

Priest: "So why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. ........................I'm telling EVERYBODY!!!!!!!."






A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[CheeZee]

You probly know by now I'm not the most PC person on this site Cheeze

...cant say as i've noticed Pat

a good joke is a good joke .. i'm the first to hold my hands up when i've crossed the line but somedays ...ahhhh b*****ks ..i'll rub the line out and move it forward a few inches

[flyingvee]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of> Montecassino went to the local church for confession.> > When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,> the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a> beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood> knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her> from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."> > The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you> did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."> > "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me> with sexual favours. This happened several times a week,> and sometimes twice on Sundays."> > The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves> in great danger. However, two people under those> circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness> of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your> actions, you are indeed forgiven."> > "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.> But I do have one more question."> > "And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.> ~> ~> ~> ~> ~> ~> ~> ~> > "Should I tell her the war is over?"> > >