Etiquette for Australians

[Hang11]

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT


1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME


1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGENE


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. .
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[RJD]

[Stone Fox]

Had to look up a couple of the terms, but that did make me laugh!

[CheeZee]

Lmfao Hang' ... ... my fav bits :

Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

Class

all ozz'ers .. feel free to drop a lil' verbal bomb on us Brits to even the scales

[Stone Fox]

Cheezy. he's a kiwi!

Kiwi's and Ozzies tell lots of jokes about each other, or so I've heard.

[essex sucks]

no hang11 is from uk a moved too new Z his from brighton i think

[Real Pol]

I thought Hang11 lived in a chimney?

WEDDINGS
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

My cousin actually had something like this on his wedding invitations......no thongs and boardies or such!

[dougirwin13]

I thought it was pretty good... Funny. And a lot of it is too close to the truth

Payback.. Umm...

Q: Why do Kiwi's like to find a sheep standing on the edge of a cliff?
A: They push back.

Q: How do Kiwi's practice safe sex?
A: They paint a red "X" on the back of ones that kick.

Q. How did the Kiwi find his sheep in the long grass?
A. Very satisfying.

Q. What do Kiwi Blokes use as an aphrodisiac?
A. Mint Sauce.

Q. Why do Kiwi's marry women?
A. Cuz sheep can't cook.

Q. Why do NZ racehorses run so fast?
A. Cuz they have seen what gets done to the sheep.

Q. What is the smallest organ in a sheep?
A. A Kiwi's penis

Q. What do you call a Kiwi farmer with a sheep under one arm, and a chicken under the other?
A. Bi-sexual.


Boom! Boom!


A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife, lying in bed, replies "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you d1ckhead."

The Kiwi replies "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


Boom! Boom!


Hey, did you hear that Kiwi farmers have found a new use for sheep? They call it WOOL.


Boom! Boom!


OK... Let's poke fun at both parties instead

A Kiwi and an Aussie are riding through the sheep country when they discover a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Kiwi gets off his horse, strides over to the sheep, shags it, and them gets back on his horse. He looks at the Aussie who is staring at him and says "Sorry mate, do ya wanna go too?" "Alright," says the Aussie and gets off his horse, walks over to the fence, looks back at the Kiwi and asks "Do I have to put my head in the fence?"


Boom! Boom!


-doug
Compsand.com - The Composite Surfboard Cooperative!

[Hang11]

Funny. Scary thing is, a lot of that is a bit close to the truth too.

[dougirwin13]

LOL! I like the last one best.

-doug
Compsand.com - The Composite Surfboard Cooperative!

[RJD]

Thats why I saw you with that red paintbrush the other day...

[Hang11]

Yeah, sorry, disn't realise your missus was that feisty.....

[Stone Fox]

pmsl!

[dougirwin13]

hahaha!

-doug