Losing my surf friend

[Buttertoes]

I thought I’d post this here as well... I took my first surf lesson with a good friend back in 2010. For the first 4 years we ate slept and breathed surfing. It was so much fun to have someone to share that excitement with.

Things started to change. She was becoming more uncomfortable in heavier conditions (meaning >2-3’) and would no longer winter surf with me. I was finding myself going alone more and more.

Last summer we were out on a beautiful day. The offshore wind suddenly gave her the heebs that it might blow her off shore and she couldn’t stay out. It’s gotten worse since then.

We had 3 surf days together all summer. They were 1-2’ at a beach break. It hurts to see her backing away from something we were both so stoked for. She recently told me ‘to her, surfing is like a nice glass of wine, while to me it’s more like crack’... har dee har har... but it wasn’t long ago that she felt the same way.

I know life changes... anyone ever have their best surfing buddy fade away, and manage to draw them back? I don’t force her into waves or locations she isn’t comfortable with, but that doesn’t leave very many days to get out!

Missing my buddy

[oldmansurfer]

Surfing is not for everyone. I feel for you and it's fun to share the surf with someone but things change. Most likely the conditions you were going out in were safer and now not so but you have gotten used to bigger and more dangerous conditions and she hasn't and perhaps got out of shape instead. You could try just going out in safer nicer conditions. When I started surfing I used to have a group of friends I would surf with after a while they all quit surfing with me because I liked bigger more dangerous surf. I never looked back and instead I made a new bunch of friends who were the surfers who always were out in those conditions.

[jaffa1949]

Hi Buttertoes, I’m glad you still have bug..... sadly for you there is a whole lot of former friend of those who continue who once were surfers!
Slowly but surely they slip away, and all we can do is honour their desires!
Maybe still a landfriend, but for the strength of character you have to stay stoked with your winter. I honour you !


I recommend a new board to help, the Warercooled wasn’t so well glassed, epoxy model a Torq perhaps?i am starting to understand snow country here in Austria,
And Portugal and Spain occupy my thoughts, a November trek coming up!

[RinkyDink]

When I was in college I had a good surf buddy. We would dawn patrol almost every day (had many extremely cold mornings putting my wetsuit on with a hellish hangover from the dorm party the night before). The place we surfed would be blown out by 10AM so if we wanted to surf, we had to make it to the lineup in the morning. After a while I started skipping the surf sessions and instead threw myself into the college social scene (many diversions there). My surfing friend wasn't too happy about it and he started cajoling me into going surfing when he could. I think if I had had a longboard back then and had actually learned to surf properly, I probably would have had more enthusiasm to go out. Anyway, I think it's okay to take a break. I even think breaks can be helpful. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It sounds to me like your friend needs a break. Give her the opportunity to take a break. One sign that your friend may not be into it as much as you are is that she fears small waves. That tells me that surfing might be more stressful than pleasurable for your friend. Therefore, I'd cut her some slack and let her come around to the sport when she finds her stoke again.

[saltydog]

So sorry to hear that your friend doesn’t feel the same amount of stoke as you. I guess just like everything else in life, we sometimes drift toward different directions. I have started surfing with my older kid’s but lately they’ve been busy and/or more interested in other things in their lives that I surf alone more these days. Disappointing but it’s something I have to accept and let go... and hope that I still get to share the waves occasionally... and with some luck they might decide to see it as a part of who they are much like how I feel about surfing.
Anyway, enjoy your friends’s company when you can as well as keep an eye on other opportunities to meet potential surfing buddies. Meanwhile, you can share your stoke here on this forum

[Buttertoes]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your responses. It's hard when you're an introvert through and through... I have started to get to know and set up surf dates with someone new but last time out found out she is pregnant lol! Well, I'll have company for a few more months I guess. In the meantime I'll give my friend her space and see if she finds herself drawn back to it or not.

[billie_morini]

Buttertoes,
Yup, happened me once, too. Then I found another three over the years. It's like the tide (e.g., comes and goes). Best wishes to you and keep the stoke.
billie

[waikikikichan]

Yeah, had a surfing friend. Got in his mind that’s since we were “friends”, it was cool to drop in on me. Wrong. So after I ran him over, I guess that was that. Boy, I really miss that .......... fin.

[mg100]

Surfing is a little more fun (and safer) when you have a friend or two in the water, I didn't know anyone to begin with but as I surf mostly the same break 4+ times a week at the same time you start talking to the other locals, a couple of us started a WhatsApp group and now we have about 7 people on it, just say hello to people around you and the more you see them out the more you chat. You'll soon make new surf mates.
haha, as waikikikichan pointed out though dropping in seems to be more acceptable when you are 'friends'

[oldmansurfer]

Hahaha yeah I find dropping in acceptable when I can't make the wave or when I can go around the dropper. It was a serious bad offense among my group of friends. But as for the old folks who I end up surfing with these days they better not mess up my wave or I'll hit them with my walker otherwise dropping in is fine.

[QuadFinnedLoser]

Thought you were going to say she died, bit over dramatic titling.

[312T4]

I started with 2 friends.
Over the years one wanted to go for shorter boards and bigger waves (even though he didn't have the skill yet), then got into canoeing, yoga, never let night life go and also got married. He's all over the place and the last time we surfed (I surfed) together was over a year ago.
The other guy just went through 2 years of troubled relationships and managed to come only once every few months.
I think overall I'm the one obsessed with it, even though I didn't have traumatic events (well, I had surgery and 6 months stop, but not mental struggles..).

I think it's sad but you just have to keep going, I guess. I found it fun being with friends, but if it's good the stoke is high even alone.
As for dropping in on your friends, yes, of course just not when it's bigger than usual..

[surferbee]

I started out with a couple of friends and we were all at the same level, but due to a number of factors I managed to surf more consistently. We would still go out together from time to time, but I remember him joking at one point , "Man, I hate surfing with you!" I was surprised and a little offended and asked, "Why?" He said, "Because you remind me how out of shape I am. You've gotten so much better and I still suck." It was a joke, mostly, but I caught a ton of waves that session and he got skunked. It bummed him out, but I didn't feel that there was much I could do about it other than remind him that I'd been surfing a lot more than him.

A second anecdote also came to mind in reading your post. A few months ago I was talking to a women in the lineup that I knew, and I asked why her boyfriend was missing out on the good conditions. She said he had to work, but added, "It's better when we don't surf together. He gets too competitive. Then, I get insecure and my surfing turns to xxxxx. He starts mansplaining and telling me what I should be doing differently. I get annoyed and embarrassed and paddle in. He feels bad and paddles in, too. Then we both feel bad. It's bad all the way around. Much better for the relationship if we don't surf together."

Now, I don't know anything about your relationship with your friend, and I won't make any assumptions, but maybe there's something in one of the stories that can help. Either way, sorry for the bummer of beaching your surf buddy. I hope you work it out.

[oldmansurfer]

Yeah I have upset a couple friends due to paddling around them and catching waves. From my perspective they were lined up in the wrong place. They were both sitting on the shoulder of the wave and unable to catch any waves that came in. They both would paddle and fail to catch multiple waves and let other waves go by because they were tired from trying to catch the last one. For one guy it was kind of understandable because to move over to the right place meant taking off in front of a cliff. I told him he needed to go deeper into the lineup but he refused to. At first I would let him try for a couple then I paddled around him but after a while it seemed pointless he just wasn't going to catch any waves. He got mad at me for paddling around him but he was letting all the waves go unridden. Even as I was paddling back out he let numerous waves go by unridden. The other guy I wasn't sure why he didn't go a little further out. It was a left break only about head high and he was a goofy footer. I kept telling him he needed to come out where I was but he refused. He started accusing me of taking all the waves but he was letting them all go by. I went in and sat on the beach and let him try to catch some. I don't think it helped any not having me out there to take all the waves but he couldn't blame me any more and maybe that helped him to change what he was doing? I didn't watch for long but he never caught a wave that I could see. I don't think he was too mad at me after but then he quit taking me with him to go surf that spot. Funny too because that guy and me had been in some really challenging waves and never had a problem. Surfing is a different experience to different people.