Chrimbo Jokes

[Real Pol]

As it's December I'll start us off!


A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you can call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like hell they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this,'
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Okay,' he says, 'they're both coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way.'

[Real Pol]

Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

[essex sucks]

Hahaha lol good stuff not got any at the mo but this thread should be fun

[flyingvee]

What's worse than Santa getting an erection when you're sitting on his lap?

Not falling off when he stands up.

[PapaW]

Oh dear!!!

[tomcat360]

Yay my hat is no longer random and unnecessary!

[essex sucks]

haha u never did take the hat off

[tree4]

I'm so lazy .... http://www.xmas-jokes.com/

[flyingvee]

[Real Pol]

It's not very Christmassy, but as I am the only one making an effort I think I can post it.


How tough are Scotsmen?

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Scotland, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.  Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Scotsman remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[parrysurf]

Santa is leaving a house after depositing presents.....old wrinkled lady in scantily clad undies......santa want to stay a while??? she asks..Sant replies.."Ho Ho HO gotta go, gotta go, got to deliver all the toys to the kids I know!!!

Next house the toys are placed and Santa is about to roll....hot sexy mommy in negligee asks Santa "wanna stay a while...Wink".....Santa replies....."hey, hey, hey gotta stay, gotta stay, can't go climbing out chimneys with this boner in the way"

I know it is awful....but the only Santa joke I know....old joke from the 80's