Anyone know any jokes??

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Anyone know any jokes??

Postby flyingvee » Fri Nov 16, 2007 9:27 pm

Okay here's one :lol:



A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he Replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Postby Sar » Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:11 pm

what did the 0 say to the 8?








I like your belt! :D


only one I remember cos its so bad
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Postby flyingvee » Fri Nov 16, 2007 10:53 pm

After a night of drinking, Phil crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?", demanded Phil, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St Peter".
Phil was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Phil was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?
"It's not so bad," replied Phil, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replied Phil.
"Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did, and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Phil! Wake up, you drunk b@stard, you're sh1tting the bed."
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Postby pat42 » Sat Nov 17, 2007 1:36 pm

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put 50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the 50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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Postby long_man » Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:10 pm

Q. why did the man cross the road :?:







A. 'cos he had is D!ck stuck in the chicken :!:


:shock:
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Postby long_man » Sat Nov 17, 2007 7:20 pm

and another classic.........

little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum one, his dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "get out"! a little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his Gran - Johnny just looks at him and says "not so fleshin' funny when its your mam is it" :!:
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Postby .Jen. » Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:05 am

Whats the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMT?

One turns the cow into a raving lunatic, the other is some sort of agricultural problem.

**************

And a bit of a politically incorrect one that hit the inbox last night....

Noel Edmonds is set to star in a BBC special for Children in Need. It's set in Africa, where the little fleshin' will be playing ''Meal or No Meal''
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Postby Dr Rev » Mon Nov 19, 2007 10:48 am

From: the Washington Post... the title of the article was
> > "Best Come Back Line Ever."
> >
> > In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
> > male, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
> > On Monday, at the Gwinnett County courthouse, Lawrence was charged
> > with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
> >intoxication.
> >
> > The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his
> > way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
> > "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was
> > no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone
> >around"
> > he stated in a telephone interview.
> >
> > Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the
> > road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
> >purpose, cut a
> > hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'
> >
> > "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
> > embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to
> >notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until
> >Officer Brenda
> > Taylor approached him." It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,"
> >said officer Taylor.
> > "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
> > Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
> > Lawrence.
> >
> > "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex
> > with a pumpkin?"
> >
> > He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
> > he looked me straight in the face and said,"A pumpkin? xxxxx...is it
> >midnight already?"
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Postby flyingvee » Mon Dec 03, 2007 4:48 pm

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,

"Ya now sumptin' womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station...

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

"From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
When I say, ' Bell three' we's gonna mek luv all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, " Bell One" and the wife stripped naked!
"Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
"Bell Three" and they started to make luv!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four"
"WOMON ... What de hell is Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied, "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE, MAN, YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR DE FIRE"
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Postby RJD » Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:43 pm

Sex with a thalidomide midget?

No, its not big and its not clever.
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Postby CheeZee » Tue Dec 04, 2007 2:48 pm

heheheeee .. all class... keep em' coming ! :lol:
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Postby keef » Tue Dec 04, 2007 7:56 pm

This penguin is driving along in his car and the car starts making a funny noise so he pulls into a garage in town and asks a mechanic to have a look at it.
Mechanic says it'll take a while so the penguin crosses over the road to the corner shop and buys himself an ice cream, but as he's only got flippers he ends up with ice cream all over his beak.
He goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic what the problem is, the mechanic says, "It looks like you've blown a seal",
and the penguin replies, "Na thats just a little ice cream!"
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Postby Luke » Wed Dec 05, 2007 12:01 pm

During a gunfight some red Indian warriors captured a cowboy, took him back to their village, and threw him at the feet of their chief.

The chief had heard of the gun fight and knew that the cowboy had killed members of his tribe. So he told him that he was going to die.

The chief was impressed with how the cowboy took this news, and granted him three days in which he could have anything that the villagers were able to bring him. After this, at sunset on the third day, he would be put to death.

The cowboy smiled, and said "please bring me my horse". Puzzled, the chief nodded to one of his warriors, and the horse was brought forward.

The cowboy whispered in the horses ear, and then slapped it's backside, which sent the horse bolting from the village.

About 2 hours later, the cowboy was resting in his wigwam, when the horse came trotting back into the village carrying a beautiful blonde, who spent the night with the cowboy.

The Indians laughed, and said "typical white man, can only think of one thing!"

On the second day, the chief asked the cowboy what he would like, and again he asked for his horse to be brought to him. Again he whispered in the horses ear and sent it charging out of the village.

The horse returned after 2 hours, and this time carried a stunning red haired girl. The indians laughed harder, saying "even at a time like this, the white man can still only think of one thing!"

On the morning of the third day, the chief asked the cowboy what they could do for him, and once again the cowboy asked for his horse.

When the horse was brought forward, the cowboy looked nervous. Carefully he held the horses ear, and said "...right let try again, get POSSE dammit!...POSSE!!"

:D
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Postby Johno » Wed Dec 05, 2007 12:55 pm

what did the one aremed fisherman say?

It was this big
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Postby flyingvee » Wed Dec 05, 2007 3:26 pm

The local ice-cream vendor was found lying in his ice-ream van, on the floor, covered in hundreds and thousands, and chopped nuts. Police later announced that he had topped himself.
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Postby Luke » Wed Dec 05, 2007 3:40 pm

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

The landlord says "is this some sort of joke?"
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Postby keef » Wed Dec 05, 2007 4:20 pm

two flies on a turd, one says to the other "Man this shi1t's good".
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Postby CheeZee » Thu Dec 06, 2007 11:48 am

The local ice-cream vendor was found lying in his ice-ream van, on the floor, covered in hundreds and thousands, and chopped nuts. Police later announced that he had topped himself.
..lolol ..fleshing class .. im loving that :lol:

..just read Keefs and Lukes heheheeee ... loving this thread :clap:
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Postby flyingvee » Thu Dec 06, 2007 6:49 pm

A man goes into the optician, carring what looks like a very big clarinet case. He puts it down onto the counter, and the optician says "Can I help you, sir?".

"Yes" says the man, "I was wondering if you could help me with this.",

at which point he opens the case to reveal an enormous tu*d;

Te optician recoils with disgust, saying "Excuse me, sir....but I am an Optician. How could I possibly help you with that???".
"Well" says the man, "I was hoping that you could...because every time I do one of these, my bloody eyes water!"
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Postby Big Man » Tue Dec 11, 2007 6:35 pm

Specially for Stone Fox :lol:


A multi-millionare had three sons, coming up to the first sons birthday he asked him what he wanted for his present.

The son asked for a train set, so his dad bought him British Rail

Come the second sons birthday he was asked the same.

I'd like a boat he said, so the old man bought him the QE II.

The third son, on his birthday asked for a cowboy outfit, so daddy bought him the Royal Marines.

---------------------------------------


The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and they miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat zone it draws sergeants.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets ... printed at different scales.
All battles are fought uphill.
All battles are fought in the rain.
If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.
Tracers work both ways.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Never reinforce failure, failure reinforces itself.
Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
Always know when it's time to get out of your vehicle
Always know how to get out of your vehicle.
Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
Always honour a threat.
The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness what mess hall food is to cuisine.
Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater that the distance you can jump.
Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
There is no such thing as a convenient foxhole.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
Radios work perfectly until you need fire support.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
When in doubt, empty the magazine.
If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.
Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
Minefields are not neutral.
If it's stupid and works, then it's not stupid.
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