looking for some perspectives from the older guys

[Jynn]

Hello all,

I'm not sure if I have anything to gain by writing this, but I'll go for it anyway. I'm in a very tough situation at the moment. I'm in my early 40's and my wife of 8 years and I are splitting up. We have two children aged 5 and 6. I'm South African but we're currently living in the UK where we've been for the last 5 years.

My issue is that I'm keen to move back to SA for the lifestyle, family, friends, weather and of course surfing. We're about to apply for British citizenship and once we have that I know my wife will never leave the UK as she is quite settled here, which means I can never leave because I will never leave my kids behind. I've been a very keen surfer since I was about 18 and have literally spent about 3 years in total in Indo in my 20's living the dream. Since being in the UK, I've missed surfing, the ocean and the general peace that it gives me so much. I'm getting fatter, weaker and mentally just drained by life. It sucks. We're now in the middle of a crisis because I want to return to SA to try and reinvigorate a mind that is increasingly failing to see the point of existing, and as I said my wife really doesn't want to leave. Another massive motivation to go back is to introduce my kids to the ocean, I can't imagine the joy I would get seeing them having fun in the waves. Of course I would aslo have to prepare myself for accepting that it might not be a sport they want to pursue.

What I'm worried about is that if I force the issue and we move back causing great bitterness on my wife's part for me that in the end it will all not have been worth it and that for whatever reason, I just don't get the same stoke and love of surfing that I used to.

What I'm asking is for you older guys that have been doing it a long time, have you found that as you get older surfing becomes less and less of an important thing for you and that you find things like work and family more of the stuff that gives you zest for life. Can you imagine only surfing very occasionally? (which is what would happen to me if I stay here in this godforsaken freezing place.)

[surfskateuk]

I'm 40 in a couple of weeks, and the only thing that worries me is that my body wont be able to keep up with level of enthusiasm for surfing. But i surf with guys who are 55 who still rip on a shortboard, so fingers crossed. I can't see what your issue is with surfing in the UK, i surf full time, every day there's a wave, no matter what season. Buy a decent wetsuit, the cold ain't that bad, most top end 6mm's are too warm for me in winter, i usually surf a 5mm ripcurl flashbomb and think its fine even in the harshest conditions. I actually enjoy surfing when its feckin freezing outside, makes it feel more real and raw, and of course less crowds

For me the older i get, the more i want to surf as i know the clock is ticking. Need to get as many surfs in as possible before i can't do it any more

[oldmansurfer]

I am 62 years old. I grew up in Hawaii and surfed surfboards since I was 18. Back then surfing was a major part of my life. Put in order of importance the three most important things to me then were 1) work 2) my girlfriend 3) surfing. Today it would be 1)my wife 2) work 3) surfing. I quit surfing for 12 years because I felt it interfered with my work. I think that remains the biggest mistake of my life. I should have found a way to keep surfing. Anyway I am surfing once again. But I can tell you that I am not the typical surfer in many ways. Many of them would have surfing at the number 1 spot. On the other side of the coin, I know surfers who have just quit surfing. Some that were among the top in the world and now they golf or something else and just for a rare fling they will attempt to surf. These surfers didn't have any physical limiting issues. Many surfers get physical issues that force them to quit, like repetitive motion injuries or neck or back problems. But for me, surfing has rewards offered by nothing else in my life so I hope to stave off the physical problems. In other words if you want a bunch of surf junkies to tell you to surf more you have come to right place. If I were in your position I would feel forced to get a good wetsuit and learn about surfing in cold water.

[pmcaero]

Can there be a middle ground? Stay in the UK, surf once a week, on weekends, or when kids are staying with your ex wife? Wherever you are in the UK, there seems to be waves within 100 miles, maybe not the best at all times, but better than being landlocked

[pmcaero]

I quit surfing for 12 years because I felt it interfered with my work.

I'm curious, were you working non-stop, why couldn't you surf once or twice a week?

[BoMan]

Fingers crossed. I can't see what your issue is with surfing in the UK, i surf full time, every day there's a wave, no matter what season.

I agree.

I'm 65 and have lived a surfing life similar to yours. I went to a coastal college and surfed nearly every day but gave it up after moving inland to get married, start a family and become an elementary school teacher. I always thought about the ocean and took regular vacations there but kept on my "responsible path" until recently. Now retired, I'm back in the game at a low level and having a BLAST.

If I could do it all over again, I would have convinced my wife to move to the coast and live the same life there...but no regrets. Is there a place in the UK where you could work, your family would be happy and you could enjoy the ocean? There is much be said in favor of uncrowded line-ups in colder climes!

[oldmansurfer]

I quit surfing for 12 years because I felt it interfered with my work.

I'm curious, were you working non-stop, why couldn't you surf once or twice a week?

I want to be available for emergency situations and when I am surfing I am not available. Before I might have been unavailable for 4 hours but as a compromise these days I only surf for 30 minutes so I am only unavailable for 30 minutes at a stretch...well ok maybe a little more some times

[saltydog]

Can there be a middle ground? Stay in the UK, surf once a week, on weekends, or when kids are staying with your ex wife? Wherever you are in the UK, there seems to be waves within 100 miles, maybe not the best at all times, but better than being landlocked

+1

I am 43 with family and work obligations living in a coastal California town where waves aren't that great most of the time. As we get older we have more elements that matter to us like family and work while trying to maintain a certain level of quality in life as a surfer. See if you can find the balance that you can live with, say live in a coastal town in UK and take extended vacations often to visit friends and other family members in SA. Things could have been a lot worse. Good thing your wife isn't considering a move to the mountain region of China of something.

Wow, we sound like a bunch of dull, sensible adults!

[Jynn]

Can there be a middle ground? Stay in the UK, surf once a week, on weekends, or when kids are staying with your ex wife? Wherever you are in the UK, there seems to be waves within 100 miles, maybe not the best at all times, but better than being landlocked

Sadly not really an option as we're just outside London, so the closest waves would be Wales, about 3 hours away. Only really doable for holidays.

[oldmansurfer]

Learn to fly a small plane or a helicopter? Save up your money and build a wavepool for yourself?

[oldmansurfer]

I am guessing at this because I don't golf but perhaps golfing can give you some of the same things as surfing. You can do it alone or with friends. different courses different clubs different conditions, You have time to let your mind go and concentrate on your next shot.....It's a lot of exercise as well..... if you walk. I used to caddy as a kid to make some money in the summer time. It was good exercise

[Oldie]

I am 50 and enjoy surfing with my teenage daughter a lot, but we are landlocked as well. So we plan all holidays in surf spots which is nice for my wife, too and do occasional trips to the dutch coast.

I would never sacrifice my family for other things. I do not have your past with surfing, but i feel that in any case, even if you move back, it probably will feel very different. Life is different in your 20s, you dont get that back.

But you have nice spots in easy reach in Devon and Cornwall that are good for a weekend trip from London. In gentle spots like Saunton you can test whether your kids have fun. So maybe take it step by step.

[Oldie]

I am guessing at this because I don't golf but perhaps golfing can give you some of the same things as surfing.

As a very active Golfer for 25 years (and only a beginner surfer), i think not. I enjoy Golf a lot and do it on a competetive level, but the physical demands and the roughness of the elements are on a completely different level in surfing, as is the satisfaction when things go well. The nice thing is that you can Golf with with your family, too.

[pmcaero]

I want to be available for emergency situations and when I am surfing I am not available.

I'm sorry, don't mean to put down what you do, but a job where you are on call 24/7 is not worth it, even if you make 7 figures or save lives.

[dtc]

I think OMS is a paramedic or something like that (I may be completely wrong!) So 'on call' means a different thing to what you are thinking

[Jynn]

Thanks for your thoughts guys. I'm realising it was a bit of a pointless exercise to ask a bunch of surfers how important surfing is to them because of course the answer will be 'a lot'. I think my main motivation is just to express my frustration with this tough time, because when talking about ones need to be by the ocean, my wife's family members just get this glazed look of incomprehension and my reasons for wanting to return all start sounding trivial. I guess the old saying 'only a surfer knows the feeling' really is true and it's all impossible to explain to someone why it's so important.

Btw I just wanted to apologise to anyone from the UK who read my post when I referred to the UK as 'this godforsaken freezing place'. There's many things I do like about the UK and I wrote my original post in something of an emotional state and my language about the UK is a result of my frustration and unhappiness with my current situation. Sorry.

For the guys suggesting golf, I actually had a 7 handicap when I was younger, but I can't stand the game now because my level is much worse and I find it's a game you have to play a lot to start enjoying, and it's just too expensive. I do enjoy and play a lot of tennis, but at the end of the day it just doesn't give me a fraction of what surfing does.

[Big H]

I would give up everything if it was a choice between (everything) and my kids.....they would come first.

If you're splitting with your wife, you COULD force the issue and make everyone move back to SA......not like you'd have to sleep on the sofa.....I'd take your kids feelings and desires into account as well on that issue. You can surf in the UK, could play golf there too......I get what you mean about golf; I was scratch for awhile and if I don't play nearly every day I can't maintain that, and if I can't maintain that golf isn't fun in that once you get good, it isn't enough to just keep the ball in play....not enough to just hit greens even....if you aren't hitting the green in the quarter of the green aimed at or at least threatening, if you don't consistently get up and down, if you lay up but your wedge game feel is dead, it just isn't fun as it is those slim margins that make the game fun at that level (set up to hit a fade drive but hang it out straight so that you have too much roll and are inside of a full wedge on your second shot causing an adjustment is fun....set up to hit a fade drive and instead drag a hook out of it and go OB with a drop and hack out of the rough laying 5 before your first look at the green is not fun)......surfing is different for me.....I'm no good first off, so I enjoy it whether it is perfect conditions or less than.....there are days in surfing where putts are not dropping so to speak; maybe you keep digging a rail on your backside bottom turn and can't sort it.....it's just different and I've never had the urge to throw my surfboard (boomeranged bags full of clubs though). Surfing is more athletic, gives me mental and physical balance by doing it on a regular basis, and is more of a part of my lifestyle than golf was.....there is no equivalent of a driving range or short game work area for surfing....no putting drills - it isn't "work" like golf could be, no stress like there was trying to chase a score on the back nine or hold together a game that was cracking at the seams over a bad stretch of holes, checking elbows, grip, stance, etc.


There ARE swing thought equivalents though....... My "swing thought" for fixing my pop up if things start to get a little loose or messy for instance is to keep my chin up.......



Wherever you end up, its not the destination but the journey....start to address your issues today wherever you are.

[dtc]

I think everyone needs 'something' in their life that takes them out of normalness. It might be running or yoga or gardening or golf or surfing. Its different for everyone and everyone needs a different level of that something.

interestingly, for me surfing is challenging and its more like competitive sports than relaxation - I enjoy competition so thats fine; but a good session and its like I won the game on the weekend and I'm on a high; a bad session and I'm grumpy like I was when I lost during my competition days. On the other hand, going to the gym relaxes me. Gardening is just a chore; golf is ok cos I know I suck.

Jynn, you should come to Australia, we think calling england a 'godforsaken freezing place' is being nice.

[Tudeo]

What I'm asking is for you older guys that have been doing it a long time, have you found that as you get older surfing becomes less and less of an important thing for you and that you find things like work and family more of the stuff that gives you zest for life.

For me at 53 fitness is key, when I'm fit there's nothing I rather do then surfing but when fitness leaves me I just lose interest and focus on something else. I try to face the fact that there will come a day that I don't bounce back from an injury or other problems, but until that day I still try to get as many surf sessions as possible.

Also my family only benefits from my surfing as I walk around whole day with a smile on my face, but when not surfing for more then 5 days things get, ehrm, different..

[Jynn]

Also my family only benefits from my surfing as I walk around whole day with a smile on my face, but when not surfing for more then 5 days things get, ehrm, different..

Yeh this such an important aspect, now substitute 5 days with 5 years and you kind of get where I'm coming from.