Is this an accurate way to talk about surfing?

[pearlhilb]

Hi--I'm not a surfer (unfortunately!) and am writing a poem using a surfing image. I think I may need help with some language to describe a surfer moving under a wave that is cresting overhead. This is what I have:

. . . he gloried in the waves, soaring

up the inside sleeve of a breaking swell.

Does this work, even metaphorically, to describe that? Or would a surfer read it and think (rightly!) that I don't know what I'm talking about? Can you help me with some better language? Any thoughts would be welcome!

[jaffa1949]

I thought about your question and although it is not strictly a way of talking about how a surfer views a wave, my feelings are that poetry is about the writers feelings and in that space there may be for the reader another aspect previously un-thought of the surfing experience.

A surfer would recognise that you don't surf, but that too is OK, because it gives us an outside view on our little insular world.
It is also great to hear from someone thinking about surfing without a death metal thrash music score overriding it.
There is a large community within surfing that sees it as much more like your first line, others .......hmmm well
There is an advertisement quote
"only a surfer knows the feeling", so to really help your writing I suggest you get rid of the unfortunately and take up surfing.

I would be happy to critique your work, perhaps others would too, so write and I invite you to post it as a whole work rather than a piece by piece bit.

[jaktequila]

I agree with jaffa1949. You can also describe it from your own view of a non-surfer and that can be awesome as well. Too bad English isn't my first language otherwise I'd be glad to help. And check this out, maybe useful: http://www.surfline.com/surfology/surfology_glossary_index.cfm

It is also great to hear from someone thinking about surfing without a death metal thrash music score overriding it.

If I had watched a lot of surfing videos on youtube I'd be exactly like that. Luckily when I think of a good surfing clip I think of peaceful instrumental music.

[IB_Surfer]

. . . he gloried in the waves, soaring

up the inside sleeve of a breaking swell.

Does this work, even metaphorically, to describe that?

Not really, sorry. I can't see a surfer, or me, glorying, or being on the inside sleeve of a breaking swell.

If you want some lingo, and then are trying to tweak it into poetry, try reading some of the articles in surfing or surfer magazines, you'd be suprised how many metaphors they use that would give you a better I idea on how a surfing poem might sound.

[pearlhilb]

Thanks, Jaffa 1949, for your thoughtful reply. You're right--I would secretly love to surf, am just a little intimidated by it.

And thank you also jaktequila, for the link. I clearly need to educate myself a little, either out of the water or in it!

[frreako104]

I think that it being poetry, it matters more to the writer trying to describe it. Some would pick up you aren't a surfer but that's not to say the wording doesn't work. Poetry is about art and feelings.

[Roy Stewart]

. . . he gloried in the waves, soaring

up the inside sleeve of a breaking swell.

Does this work, even metaphorically, to describe that?

Not really, sorry. I can't see a surfer, or me, glorying, or being on the inside sleeve of a breaking swell.

If you want some lingo, and then are trying to tweak it into poetry, try reading some of the articles in surfing or surfer magazines, you'd be suprised how many metaphors they use that would give you a better I idea on how a surfing poem might sound.

Of course it works and why the f do we have to limited to the dumbed down lingo from the corporo-fascist mass culture?


'inside sleeve' is probably more descriptive of a tube than 'shack', keg' or barrel and what is wrong with 'soaring'???? ..... it's ok to talk about the glide but not soaring??

As for glorying it's a reasonable word.

In my opinion to try to write like one of the nearly brain dead surfing masses would be a mistake, the whole persona is a terrible cliche and the sooner it dies the better.

.


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[Roy Stewart]

I think that it being poetry, it matters more to the writer trying to describe it. Some would pick up you aren't a surfer but that's not to say the wording doesn't work. Poetry is about art and feelings.

That's true but isn't it strange that we think we can determine who is or isn't a surfer by their use of a limited slang vocabulary... do we really expect t ALL surfers to adopt the official lingo when other words will do as well or better?

Perhaps the character surfs but is not part of the surfing culture... that would be more interesting than a cut and paste 'surfie' don't you think?

Come to think of it how does it make sense to ask us what the character would be likely to say unless we know something about that character?

.

[jaffa1949]

I agree with Roy and Freako , poetry is about how the writer sees an event and works to describe their experience and hopefully convey it to others as wholly as they can.

So much of our overall culture is being eroded to monosyllabic grunts and one line retorts that a fresh insight is really something, to applaud.
Here is what I believe is the difficult part, anyone's emotions are uniquely their own to experience and write about as they feel, if a person is linguistically impoverished then how can they find the words to deeply express the experience.
Then to share that experience with another person, a writer would hope that the person would have a similar set of language skills.
The scope of your language needs to fit the level of the audience for which you are writing.

Which is why most surfing advertising is wrapped in pseudo gangsta rap street language, What is their target audience look at the wording and it is obvious and I would offer that neither Roy nor I aspire to that demographic.

The world of surfing covers every part of the human condition, which part does anyone choose, well that too is poetry.

[Roy Stewart]

What Jaffa said^